Money To Burn

Can Lad Eddie is in charge of our tontine. This was mostly down to the fact that we were all drunk on Brains SA when the decision was made. Although we have tremendous faith in the lad, all talk has been over the recent problems with Northern Rock. We had to laugh at the thought of muggers tuning into Sky News and noticing which customers had drawn out the most cash.

Can Lad Eddie says he thinks he invested our funds in the Portmeiron Mutual Assurance Company. He remembers something about being chased by a big ball but cannot remember his account number. Anyway, the annual trip to Faliraki is looking a bit dodgy if we cannot get access to our profits. This is all sounding like the great 1989 crisis when ex-Fireman Leeson ran off with all the money after putting half of the cash on Champagne Charlene in the 2.35 at Kempton.

The car wash was a great success, only marred by the failure of Western Mail's Tolstoy, Lowri Turner, to turn up. Fireman Rasmusen was certain she had agreed to clean vehicles whilst reciting the complete works of Chaucer, but he may have been dreaming. Anyway, we look forward to her incisive comments on the banking crisis. She'll know what to do.

Fireman Norton is not a big fan. He was hoping to stand for the Welsh Assembly, but apparently Ms Turner put the mockers on this by suggesting that gays should not be running the country. She has of course got millions of gay friends so she is allowed to say this.

Still no word about the calendar photo shoot but I know Fireman Dahl has been sneaking to the gym instead of joining his hard working colleagues at the Boyce for post call-out pints.

STATS

No. of calls 13

No. of fires 0

No. of calls for Fire Surround firm 4

No. of Can Lad Eddie's shaving cuts 5

No. of hobnobs 6

No. of post call-out pints 13

You is what you eat

Mrs Fireman Taff tried to get last week's change back but I managed to win the argument by climbing out of the window while she was looking for the hammer. I also found some pools money by the clock so I was able to splash out on a Mr. Hussein special of chargrilled chicken on ciabatta with an arousing mayonnaise accompaniment. Crisps were a Doritos substitute which were demolished with a Fred Dibnah relish and galaxy bar. No drink today as I relied upon the liquid replenishment of the Wetherspoons new establishment, The Charlotte Church.

Today's random Philosophy Bit

It's nice to be first in the queue, but in scrabble it is better to have a triple word score with the Q.

A policeman entertains Northern Rock customers waiting to meet Lowri Turner with a rousing rendition of Abba's Money Money Money.

Remember, if you have money to burn, check that Mrs Gregson hasn't put her smalls on the line, or she'll have you! Have a good, smoke free day.

If you need more information about fire surrounds contact mandy@firestationsurroundsrus.co.uk and they will send you a brochure. Thanks to all people who entered our competition. The correct answer was of course, They were all members of the Albanian Revolutionary Cadre that attempted to seize power in 1934.

Finally, Mrs Crozier of Llangollen has emailed to ask what has happened to the crayons? Well, Mrs C, there'll be more waxing lyrical soon.

Snooker and Soapy Water

The guys at the station are usually busy with their outside interests whilst we are waiting to get the call out. Can Lad Eddie is a great fan of Paris Hilton and used most of his minimum wage to write to her. Since the injunction he has reconciled himself with just looking at pictures of her in magazines.

We also have a snooker table but there are plans afoot to take it away. Even the BBC came down the station to gauge opinion. Fireman Jennings (our union rep) said, 'It's a diabolical liberty and my members will be taking this further. It's a bad break for us.' It does seem a bit rich given that we had to wait 18 months before they gave us a fire engine. We could never rely upon public transport to get us to the blaze and many times we lost a lot of water running for the now defunct 82a.

Fireman Muller has the largest break on the table although he is used to the slope as he comes from a town near the Alps. He holds the record of 33. He claims he would have gone on to a half century if there hadn't been a speck of jam on the pink.

Can Lad Eddie is no good at all, and there is a groan whenever anyone gets him as a doubles partner. It's not just his myopia and refusal to wear glasses, it's his inability to remember the rules of the game. If it wasn't for the fact that he makes good tea and that his uncle is the commissioner, I doublt if he'd have had such a glittering career.

Tomorrow is National Car Wash Day so if your Datsun is dusty, your Merc is muddy or your Trabant is something beginning with T, please come down the station and I'll get my hose out for you.

Lunchtime Funtime

Having been furnished with a whole £5 note as Mrs FT did not have any slummy, I availed myself of the culinary fare of Mr Hussein. I opted for a generous portion of turkey roast with cranberry sauce on a bin lid. For washing down purposes, I drifted towards a Mineral water with lemon twist. As I had some money left I was able to put a £1 double on Allegretto and Captain Gerrard at Doncaster.

STATS

No. of calls 13

No. of fires 0

No. of broken cues 5

No. of hobnobs 4

No. of post call-out pints 11

Random Philosophical Thingy

Discovering that Rose Royce never worked at the car wash, this set me thinking about what other lies we are being told. I'm beginning to think that David Bowie was being economical with the truth when he claimed to be Major Tom. At least we still have The Western Mail as a bastion of truth and rationality.

Anyway, I'm off to check on the hoses for the car wash extravaganza. Please make sure you don't have any fires tomorrow as we will be busy. You local Chemist may be able to help with minor incidents whilst info can be found on http://www.imtrappedinaburningbuilding.gov.org/

So, have a good day and don't burn all your bridges.

Can Lad Eddie puts his cue away

Smoke Without Fire

There's no smoke without fire we hear all the time. Scientifically, this is not correct as any Science teacher will tell you. Also, be careful to avoid placing smoke alarms near steamy areas like the bathroom. This reminds us of the Madeleine McCann case. All talk at the station has been about this unfolding drama. Mrs FT, a devotee of all things murder, from Taggart's murrrrrders through Midsomer (oops there goes the property prices) Murders to CSI (which Who record can we use for CSI Tredegar). She said, 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark', which is all very well but the child went missing in Portugal. Anyway, she says she is willing to wager her monthly bingo winnings that there was no abduction and the child was killed accidentally. We shall see.

Fireman Rodriguez has his own intriguing theory as he has a part share in his brother's hat shop in Lisbon. This is where Fireman Muller (see pic) gets his evening wear.

He reckons the little girl is in the local church and that the Catholics are covering up. We were all taken aback by his comments, especially as he usually only speaks when we are putting our racing bets on. He says that a Church that covered up Nazi complicity and paedophile priests would not have a problem with an accidental death.

My concern is that leaving 3 youngsters alone could have resulted in a fire related incident.

As I said before, no smoke without fire. I'm not so sure but I do not like the parents. I have never left my children alone while I went on the lash on holiday. No, Mrs FT would always stay with them whilst I entertained the locals with my rendition of What's New Pussycat. Tonight Matthew Fireman Taff is going to be Fireman Tom!

Fireman Muller was looking a bit smug after the footie result. We had a vote and decided to be mature about it. We removed his masking tape.

Dinner For One

I found some crisps in me old rucksack so I was off to a sell-by-date flier of Smokey Bacon proportions. Mrs FT's monetary donation was spent on a Ginsters Pasty and a lottery scratchcard from Mr. Hussein's. Fireman Yorath brought in some strawberries from his allotment so we all clubbed together for some cream. Can Lad Eddie said, 'It's just like being at Wimbledon', so Fireman Logan kicked him on the knee. 'That's from Vinnie Jones!' he chuckled. Well, you have to make your own fun when you're as busy as we are.

We would have had a minute's silence for the firemen lost in the Twin Towers attack, but Can lad Eddie put the wrong date on the calendar. Accordingly, we will stand shoulder to shoulder on 9/11 in November.

STATS

No. of call-outs 12

No. of fires 0

No. of strawberries 9

No. of bruises on Can Lad Eddie 5

No. of post call-out pints 11

Today's Random Philosophical Whathaveyou

Music may be the food of love, but the love of food is gluttony.

So, remember Fact: Cooking is the leading cause of fires and injuries in single and multifamily homes. With smoke and fire alarm systems from Monitronics, help can be on the way in no time!

Source: Monotronics Smoke Alarms.

If you have a row with the missus, make sure it's not a blazing one!

Wales v Deutschland

All talk at the station has been of the big match at the Millenium stadium on Saturday night. Fireman Flynn reckons the lads might get a draw, but most of us will be happy to avoid defeat. In deference to Fireman Muller, we have used a picture of a typical German fan. As you know, we do not like to pander to common stereotypes here.

Some of Bellamy's passes also manage to miss defeat.

We have placed Fireman Muller in an exclusion zone until Sunday's shift. He claims this is contrary to the European Human Rights Convention. I showed him an article in an old Readers Digest about internment on the Isle of Man and he seemed content.

Update:

There was a bit of a shock in the rugby. At least the boys turned it around. The football result was not unexpected. Fortunately, FT and some of the lads were able to watch the game at the Max Boyce Arms. We left Fireman Muller in charge of the station. We had a whipround to buy an FM radio from the local Barnados. Not sure if there were any batteries. Anyway we're hoping he'll be on a different shift next week. At least I'm off for a couple of days.

Mrs FT took yours truly to the shops today to get him kitted out for a relative's funeral next week. I am looking forward to it immensely. Been practising my dance moves for the after service do. Got some good shapes going on.

STATS (Friday)

N0. of call-outs 11

No. of fires 0

No. of bratwurst 5

No. of trumps by Can Lad Eddie 17

No. of hobnobs 4

No. of post call-out pints 8

Friday's Eating details

A culinary delight of ripe banana, egg foo yung from Johnny Fu's, Mars, home made water courtesy of the Britta's empire.

Today's random philosophical dribble:

If you cross Pavarotti with a mythical monster and a window, do you get a Loch Nessun Dorma?

Top tip: when your house is on fire do not wear BOSE Series X Noise Cancellation headphones as the scientifically tested acoustic enhancer will prevent you hearing the smoke alarm.

Anyway, have a great all singing, non-singeing day!

If you wish to contact Fireman Muller or myself, we can be emailed on ftaff@crazyworldofarthurbrown.gov.uk

Calendar Boys

Mrs FT thought it was a good idea. Her friend at the bingo, Rose, wanted a large one for the kitchen. 'But everyone's done it before.' I said,' even the local undertakers have done it (though they did invite criticism with the use of some of their props)'

Yes, calendar fever has hit the station and its environs. I'm all in favour of raising money for charity. I'm the one, don't forget, that abseiled UP the lift shaft at Sainsburys. I hope the local scouts like their new tent.

My body stands up as good as the next guy though that doesn't mean that I stand up just because I'm next to another guy. It was an accident when I dropped the soap and I thought we had all moved on. Moving on....

We have to make it quite clear that Fireman Jennings won't be allowed to take his clothes off until his ASBO is lifted.
Anyway, I'll update this story as the story updates.

Today's crayon is a circa 1972 series elephant grey (gray in USA and Sesame Street)
This is a particular favourite of mine although it did I think lead to my political awakening and aversion to zoos. I was at St Noddfa Holy Sacrament Correctional Unit School (or St Noddfa's Correctional Unit School to give it its secret name used by rebellious pupils) and we had a supply teacher as Miss Redmond had some trouble with the governors. Apparently she had done things that a Miss was not supposed to do until they was a Mrs ,we were told.
So we had a shivering wreck of a girl called Miss (and probably still Miss) Clements. She had an odd smell when she scratched herself. I was busy drawing my favourite pachyderm when I discovered the all too real costs of Margaret Thatcher's educational policy. It was bad enough having no organic milk but now she was snaffling the grey things to give to John Major. Sammy Adams had used all the grey crayons on his giraffe and i wasn't going to ask Florrie Roberts for a lend of hers because last time I asked we both ended up in Mrs Blackler's room.

I put up my hand (this also got me in trouble with Florrie Roberts and her mother) and asked the freckled trainee teacher. She said I should use blue instead. It's not the same. I tell you that for nothing and to get straight to the point. I have never been able to watch Dumbo since.
I was not very happy at the results as my chances of glory at the regional annual Lowrie prize had gone. I sought revenge. it was about this time that I decided to devote my life to putting out fires for a change. anyway I've said too much already.

Crayons in Wales

STATS

No. calls 31
No. fires 0
No. of calls from Can Lad Eddie 27
No. hob-nobs 3
No. of post call-out pints 12

Today's random philosophy :Welsh grandfather of Jamie Cullum's girlfriend, Sophie, Roald Dahl was named after the famous explorer. Should we have a Roald Road in Cardiff?

Eating For One

Good chunky ciabatta with Dublin bay prawn with mayo/tomato puree sauce. E number filled Tango, Yorkie

Finally, thanks for all your letters and money. If you need any help please feel free to contact us on firemantaff@icantbelieveimonfire.com

'Til next time stay safe, watch the toast on the grill and have a scald free day.

Fireman Taff Fires Up

Mrs Fireman Taff said I should wax lyrically on one of those there blog ventures. So I took note of the feted fount of knowledge that is the Sion Barry's world blog and did that thing. Mrs Ft says I often wake up in the middle of the night chanting its mantra.

Anyways, for the inaugural journey into the blogosphere, I shall concentrate on my areas of expertise - fire safety and crayon collecting.

Today's Dinner Money Booty £2.67

Mrs FT found some slummy in her bingo pouch so I was quids in (well, 17p above the mean average lunch provision).

I availed myself of an Aldi Jive which is a Twix for poor people. I also succumbed to the meat and veg charms of the classic BLT sandwich on wholemeal bread. I have started to like this bread, having been put off many years ago when I discovered the Hovis ads were not actually filmed in Yorkshire. Thank goodness we still have Blue Peter and the Western Mail to trust.

Mrs FT is usually too busy with her pilates to give me a proper butty box in the traditionally prescribed manner, so I have to use subterfuge to gain extra pennies. I'm particularly fond of Auntie Mervyn (we don't ask) and her gifts to Daughter Taff and Son Taff. I have told them that the money is quite safe in the porpoise piggy bank but investments may go up or down.

Anyway, if she wants to dress as Bluebeard, she should do so in her own time, not my sandwich time. there, I've said it. As my granny used to say when she came back from the sea, 'you've got to put your firm hand down with an iron fist.'

This leads me to today's Random Philosophy (ahem)

You can't make a pig's ear out of a sow's purse.

Fire stations are funny places vol. 1

Banter is the middle name of our humble abode, which is why the 'O' and 'N' of station don't rightly fit on the sign.

Let me introduce you to some of the characters in our gang:

Captain (Jack) Daniels: known as Fiery Jack even though his name is Arnold.

Can Lad Eddie: work placement from St Noddfa Correctional unit

Fireman Lech: from Krakow. He is here so we can make great jokes about Firemen's poles

Fireman Ricketts: an old timer suffering fro lack of vitamin D.

Can lad Eddie is a one. Today he said, 'why do I have to make the tea?'

Fireman Jennings put him right. 'You makes the teas as you has the moniker'

'He wanted Monica (office secretary)!' pipes up Fireman Muller. Who says, German sense of humour there is no.

'When will I get a proper blaze?', cries Eddie, 'after all, I am 36.'

Maybe next time we has a fabulous arson job we'll give him the baptism of fire he yearns for.

We had a bit of a drill today. Funny how an actual drill has bits too. such are the ironies we firefighters have to contend with.

We practised our door step manoeuvres. ' Excuse me darlin' would you like a nice free smoke alarm.?' Text book.

Fireman Reynolds acquitted himself well but the side was let down by trainee Fireman Collins. He used to be a Jehovah's Witness so he thinks he knows it all but he has no experience of getting past the door. Still he did treat us to a moving sermon on the burning bush.

He got some flack from the Captain which would be more funny if we were in Camberwick Green.

Fireman J******* has taken a shine to the local pigeon, Archie. who said people in uniform can't love animals? did Adolf Hitler not like dogs and pygmy aardvarks? He fed it today with his corned beef sarnies expertly prepared by his spouse. Out of respect I have concealed his identity lest Mrs Jennings reads this increasingly popular blog.

THE STATS

No. of call-outs 22

No. of actual fires 0

No. hobnobs eaten 11

Post call-out pints 12

No. of stupid questions from Can Lad Eddie 7

So.........stay safe, unplug thine plugs and enjoy a third degree burns free day.

Crayon of the day....................Crayola 1974 series Flesh Pink......................hmm.

NO FT.......NO COMMENT