Milan trip Volume 2

Firstly many thanks for the hundreds of letters we've recived at the station. Particular gratitude goes to Mrs. Elsie Windrust of Merthyr for her delicious apple crumble recipe. Fireman Muller said it was 'his mother makes just like was' and he should know.

After we got out of the airport we realised that Mr Ryanair had sent us to Bergamo airport not Milan. There were some mountains nearby so Can Lad Eddie, the only member of our group with a Geography GCSE said that it must be Switzerland. Anyway to cut a long story short, we got taxis to Milan (confusingly called Milano in Italy) and we arrived at the hotel in time for a quick drink before we went out to find a bar.

Fireman Rossi helped with the map reading so we were able to find a nearby cafe. We noticed the smoke ban also applies to Italy so Can Lad Eddie was forced to stand outside in the rain. Oh CLE if your mother could see you now.

Firegirl Tassie (who was allowed to come so as not to flout the sex discrimination policy of Captain Flak) was left to unpack out gear and iron some of the more crumpled garments. Well, when in the fashion capital we need to look our best.

As regular readers will know Fireman Taff is something of an expert in the art of crayon collecting. There's nothing he likes better than sitting down after a hard shift saving the good people of Wales from nasty burns an such, and leafing through a copy of Waxing Lyrical: The journal of Crayon collectors (or Crayolaists as we like to be called). Well imagine how I felt when I discovered the baggage peole on Ryan had misplaced my bag of sunset yellows. More on this scandal later.

The beer in the town was very expensive so Can Lad Eddie devised a solutiuon - we bought one drink then would pour our own spirits in when the waiter wasn't looking. CLE said he had seen girls do this in the toilets of The Charlotte Church back home.

So we got gently drunk on pironni and pernod. Next day we planned to visit the local museum of great fires in homage to all Italian fire personnel who gave their lives for better snooker tables in the rec room.

STATS

No of call outs 12 (I think Mrs Fireman Taff has been giving out my mobile number)

No of fires 0 (we hope)

No of times Can Lad Eddie got slapped 22

No of beers 17 (we decided to have a quiet first night)

If music be the food of love

A tidy Lombardy sized canneloni washed down by a couple of bottles of soave and a brandy.

Random Philosophy

Italian is tricky. The word for ticket is biglietto but it is not pronounced like Can Lad Eddie thought. He ended up getting Big Luigi instead. Try saying the French word billet and pretend you are from Paris.

Can Lad Eddie Fund Update

Trevor Wheatacre of Trowbridge asks if donations will be returned if Can Lad Eddie is found guilty. Good question. We are still waiting to see if the lady in question is pressing charges.

Also, thank you to Mrs McCann of Leicestershire for her donation of a cuddlecat for auction.

Any money, clothing or beer can be sent to the usual address, or dropped of at Mr Hussein's or contact us on canladeddiedidit@ftaffbeervineyardfund.it

Have a good flame resistant day and remember - you can burn the candle at both ends.

Fireman Taff in Italy Volume 1

Fireman Taff and the boys in Italy Part 1

Can Lad Eddie wanted to go to Lake Como as he is convinced from reading Wikipedia that it is named after his favourite singer, Perry. He bases this on the fact that other places have airports named after them....George Best in Belfast, Beatle John in Liverpool and of course Nigel Kennedy airport in New York.

We were a bit woried about the standard of loos in Italy; Fireman Rossini (our number 2 translator) said that it as like getting a treble 20 at darts with your back to the board and blindfolded. Can Lad Eddie's idea was to take his own wet wipes and plastic bags; an idea he garnered from watching women with dogs down the Trowbridge path.

The take off was Grade 1 text book, due in no small part to Can Lad Eddie's failure to gain access to the cockpit. sometimes the crazy anti-terrorism laws have merit.

Fireman Taff was of course upgraded by virtue of the extra air miles he gets from Mr. Hussein's shop and being the only person in full dress uniform. Can Lad Eddie's attempts at post modern irony by wearing a T shirt with the motif, 'Ryanair are a bunch of heartless shits' did not have the desired effect. Still, at least he was able to inspect the baggage retrieval system at first hand.

I volunteered to interrupt the seldom seen in-flight fare of Only Fools and Horses with a lecture on putting out fires in loos, but they weren't up for it. Maybe next time.

I did discover a new fire hazard whilst inspecting the cabin toilet. Whereas back in the Charlotte Church, it is perfectly acceptable to eradicate post-curry nite odours by striking a swan vesta, at 20,000 feet this tends to set off an alarm. Needless to say the mix up was sorted out at diplomatic level, but for the rest of the flight I was downgraded and had to sit with Fireman Maldini (number 3 interpretor).

No drinks were free on board in pleb class so I had to utilise the paraffin in the lighter that Fireman Muller had smuggled on board. We will not be coerced by Al Quaida into paying 4 quid for a tiny plastic bottle of sub-Jacobs Creek.

Fireman Zoff was quick to point out that the rain we encountered upon landing was a result of global warming and that Il Duce would never have allowed it. We are a bit worried about him as he seems to be reading a lot of revolutionary literature rather than the standard 'Fire Hydrants Monthly' beloved of so many of us.

More on our trip next time.

STATS
No. of call-outs 0 (although we will check the answermachine on return)
No. of fires 0 (not counting the toilet incident and check-in desk inferno)
No. of times Can Lad Eddie said he wanted to sit by the black box 8
No. of barley sugars 24
No. of pints at airports 17
No. of times FT looked at Angie the Trolley Dolly bent over 107

Meal Ticket

No Mrs Fireman Taff lunchbox today as she still isn't talking after finding Firegirl Tassie's number on my speed dial. We are off to the land of pasta so I look forward tio some spaghetti hoops or alphabetti treats. I found out that Mrs FT has frozen my Bedwelty Mutual Assurance Debit Card so I had to pinch some ham from the hotel's kitchen when Fireman Inzhagi created a diversion by waving his hands a lot. I was also forced to offer an Eastern European flute player a job at the station for some parmesan.

Philosophy:

Machieavelli : 'What's on TV tonight?'
Mrs Mac: Not much.......
Machiavelli: Oh well I'd better write some cunning political discourses then.

Have a good plane crash-free Emmerdale Farm episode and remember - if you're on a plane you have less chance of being run over. Source: Ministry of Daily Mail Stats.

Can Lad Eddie Update:

Donations can be made by any untraceable method to makecanladeddiesweat@firemantaffholidayfund.it

Many people (thank you Frau Drinkelgrueber of Rostock) have been asking why the greatest blog named Fireman Taff has been out of fresh produce these past weeks. This was not due to the rumour that lawyers for Lowri Turner had asked for a more flattering picture to accompany any articles referring to Britain's favourite acerbic wit and raconteur. It was a software glitch that led to a photo of a monkey's bottom being attached to the story. However, I have it on good authority (from Can Lad Eddie) that if you click on properties on any online pic of the aforementioned litigant Lowri, that it says "baboon's arse.jpg". Not tried it myself but.....


Anyway, the real reason is that most of Pink Watch were off on our annual jolly, having used hypnosis on Can Lad Eddie to help him remember his account number. Very handy book Fireman Muller gave us called, 'How to hypnotise Can Lad Eddie' which he found in an Oxfam shop in Welshpool. This should come in handy when the little mite asks for more money for his tea fund scam- we know the difference between PG tips and Mr Hussein's 10 bob-a-million loose bags.


This year we flew off to Italy. There will be more of our hilarious escapades in weeks to come. All I can say for now is that Can Lad Eddie will be home for Christmas once the surgeons have removed the salami.


Getting back to work after a holiday is always difficult. Mrs Fireman Taff said that I looked as if I needed another holiday just to get over it! Sometimes Mrs FT makes me laugh so much I forget how repulsive she looks. I bet she is the first person in the history of the world to have made this comment. Maybe she is the new Lowri Turner.


I read in the papers at the station that some colleagues in the Bristol area got into trouble for coming across some men engaged in friendly firing. Fireman Tomsk doesn't like to throw anything away so they were all there for me. I hesitate to think what we'd do if we had a fire.


The ever-popular philosopher, Richard Littlejohn had as usual his finger on it. His underpaid thesis can be found here. The firemen, however, were on duty and we at The Station as we like to call our humble abode would like to put on record that we have never attended any dogging events whilst on duty.

STATS

No of call outs 11

No of fires 0

No of texts from Can Lad Eddie's mum 232

No of dogging events attended 0

No of post call-out pints 23 (proper pints not your Italian 0.3l cups)

Eats, Shoots and Loaves

Mr Hussein wouldn't accept my Euros so I had to break into Can Lad Eddie's locker to pay for the cheese crisps and ham batch. Mrs FT wouldn't fund me as she is still upset at not getting a Prada present. I told her Ryanair charge £10 for an extra bag but she wasn't buying it. Of course neither was I!

Random philosophy

Always use the phrase, 'When in Rome' when in Rome. I'll promise you the waiters will never have heard anyone use this witty remark. One said to Fireman Inzhagi (our translator) that as long as he was alive we would never pay for another meal in his trattoria. We heard loud screams from the kitchen shortly after and an ambulance was called but I'm sure there is no connection.

So have a great fire free day and remember, pasta can be fatal if you leave the pan water to boil whilst you search for the basil. Preparation is the key to happiness. Top tip: why not get the herbs before you put the gas on?

Any further information on fire safety can be obtained by emailing your query to:

ftaff@burnyourbridges.co.it

All contributions to the Free Can Lad Eddie Fund can be sent via any untraceable method to the following account:

firemantaffpensionfund, Bank of Portmeiron, 6