Milan trip Volume 2

Firstly many thanks for the hundreds of letters we've recived at the station. Particular gratitude goes to Mrs. Elsie Windrust of Merthyr for her delicious apple crumble recipe. Fireman Muller said it was 'his mother makes just like was' and he should know.

After we got out of the airport we realised that Mr Ryanair had sent us to Bergamo airport not Milan. There were some mountains nearby so Can Lad Eddie, the only member of our group with a Geography GCSE said that it must be Switzerland. Anyway to cut a long story short, we got taxis to Milan (confusingly called Milano in Italy) and we arrived at the hotel in time for a quick drink before we went out to find a bar.

Fireman Rossi helped with the map reading so we were able to find a nearby cafe. We noticed the smoke ban also applies to Italy so Can Lad Eddie was forced to stand outside in the rain. Oh CLE if your mother could see you now.

Firegirl Tassie (who was allowed to come so as not to flout the sex discrimination policy of Captain Flak) was left to unpack out gear and iron some of the more crumpled garments. Well, when in the fashion capital we need to look our best.

As regular readers will know Fireman Taff is something of an expert in the art of crayon collecting. There's nothing he likes better than sitting down after a hard shift saving the good people of Wales from nasty burns an such, and leafing through a copy of Waxing Lyrical: The journal of Crayon collectors (or Crayolaists as we like to be called). Well imagine how I felt when I discovered the baggage peole on Ryan had misplaced my bag of sunset yellows. More on this scandal later.

The beer in the town was very expensive so Can Lad Eddie devised a solutiuon - we bought one drink then would pour our own spirits in when the waiter wasn't looking. CLE said he had seen girls do this in the toilets of The Charlotte Church back home.

So we got gently drunk on pironni and pernod. Next day we planned to visit the local museum of great fires in homage to all Italian fire personnel who gave their lives for better snooker tables in the rec room.

STATS

No of call outs 12 (I think Mrs Fireman Taff has been giving out my mobile number)

No of fires 0 (we hope)

No of times Can Lad Eddie got slapped 22

No of beers 17 (we decided to have a quiet first night)

If music be the food of love

A tidy Lombardy sized canneloni washed down by a couple of bottles of soave and a brandy.

Random Philosophy

Italian is tricky. The word for ticket is biglietto but it is not pronounced like Can Lad Eddie thought. He ended up getting Big Luigi instead. Try saying the French word billet and pretend you are from Paris.

Can Lad Eddie Fund Update

Trevor Wheatacre of Trowbridge asks if donations will be returned if Can Lad Eddie is found guilty. Good question. We are still waiting to see if the lady in question is pressing charges.

Also, thank you to Mrs McCann of Leicestershire for her donation of a cuddlecat for auction.

Any money, clothing or beer can be sent to the usual address, or dropped of at Mr Hussein's or contact us on canladeddiedidit@ftaffbeervineyardfund.it

Have a good flame resistant day and remember - you can burn the candle at both ends.

Fireman Taff in Italy Volume 1

Fireman Taff and the boys in Italy Part 1

Can Lad Eddie wanted to go to Lake Como as he is convinced from reading Wikipedia that it is named after his favourite singer, Perry. He bases this on the fact that other places have airports named after them....George Best in Belfast, Beatle John in Liverpool and of course Nigel Kennedy airport in New York.

We were a bit woried about the standard of loos in Italy; Fireman Rossini (our number 2 translator) said that it as like getting a treble 20 at darts with your back to the board and blindfolded. Can Lad Eddie's idea was to take his own wet wipes and plastic bags; an idea he garnered from watching women with dogs down the Trowbridge path.

The take off was Grade 1 text book, due in no small part to Can Lad Eddie's failure to gain access to the cockpit. sometimes the crazy anti-terrorism laws have merit.

Fireman Taff was of course upgraded by virtue of the extra air miles he gets from Mr. Hussein's shop and being the only person in full dress uniform. Can Lad Eddie's attempts at post modern irony by wearing a T shirt with the motif, 'Ryanair are a bunch of heartless shits' did not have the desired effect. Still, at least he was able to inspect the baggage retrieval system at first hand.

I volunteered to interrupt the seldom seen in-flight fare of Only Fools and Horses with a lecture on putting out fires in loos, but they weren't up for it. Maybe next time.

I did discover a new fire hazard whilst inspecting the cabin toilet. Whereas back in the Charlotte Church, it is perfectly acceptable to eradicate post-curry nite odours by striking a swan vesta, at 20,000 feet this tends to set off an alarm. Needless to say the mix up was sorted out at diplomatic level, but for the rest of the flight I was downgraded and had to sit with Fireman Maldini (number 3 interpretor).

No drinks were free on board in pleb class so I had to utilise the paraffin in the lighter that Fireman Muller had smuggled on board. We will not be coerced by Al Quaida into paying 4 quid for a tiny plastic bottle of sub-Jacobs Creek.

Fireman Zoff was quick to point out that the rain we encountered upon landing was a result of global warming and that Il Duce would never have allowed it. We are a bit worried about him as he seems to be reading a lot of revolutionary literature rather than the standard 'Fire Hydrants Monthly' beloved of so many of us.

More on our trip next time.

STATS
No. of call-outs 0 (although we will check the answermachine on return)
No. of fires 0 (not counting the toilet incident and check-in desk inferno)
No. of times Can Lad Eddie said he wanted to sit by the black box 8
No. of barley sugars 24
No. of pints at airports 17
No. of times FT looked at Angie the Trolley Dolly bent over 107

Meal Ticket

No Mrs Fireman Taff lunchbox today as she still isn't talking after finding Firegirl Tassie's number on my speed dial. We are off to the land of pasta so I look forward tio some spaghetti hoops or alphabetti treats. I found out that Mrs FT has frozen my Bedwelty Mutual Assurance Debit Card so I had to pinch some ham from the hotel's kitchen when Fireman Inzhagi created a diversion by waving his hands a lot. I was also forced to offer an Eastern European flute player a job at the station for some parmesan.

Philosophy:

Machieavelli : 'What's on TV tonight?'
Mrs Mac: Not much.......
Machiavelli: Oh well I'd better write some cunning political discourses then.

Have a good plane crash-free Emmerdale Farm episode and remember - if you're on a plane you have less chance of being run over. Source: Ministry of Daily Mail Stats.

Can Lad Eddie Update:

Donations can be made by any untraceable method to makecanladeddiesweat@firemantaffholidayfund.it

Many people (thank you Frau Drinkelgrueber of Rostock) have been asking why the greatest blog named Fireman Taff has been out of fresh produce these past weeks. This was not due to the rumour that lawyers for Lowri Turner had asked for a more flattering picture to accompany any articles referring to Britain's favourite acerbic wit and raconteur. It was a software glitch that led to a photo of a monkey's bottom being attached to the story. However, I have it on good authority (from Can Lad Eddie) that if you click on properties on any online pic of the aforementioned litigant Lowri, that it says "baboon's arse.jpg". Not tried it myself but.....


Anyway, the real reason is that most of Pink Watch were off on our annual jolly, having used hypnosis on Can Lad Eddie to help him remember his account number. Very handy book Fireman Muller gave us called, 'How to hypnotise Can Lad Eddie' which he found in an Oxfam shop in Welshpool. This should come in handy when the little mite asks for more money for his tea fund scam- we know the difference between PG tips and Mr Hussein's 10 bob-a-million loose bags.


This year we flew off to Italy. There will be more of our hilarious escapades in weeks to come. All I can say for now is that Can Lad Eddie will be home for Christmas once the surgeons have removed the salami.


Getting back to work after a holiday is always difficult. Mrs Fireman Taff said that I looked as if I needed another holiday just to get over it! Sometimes Mrs FT makes me laugh so much I forget how repulsive she looks. I bet she is the first person in the history of the world to have made this comment. Maybe she is the new Lowri Turner.


I read in the papers at the station that some colleagues in the Bristol area got into trouble for coming across some men engaged in friendly firing. Fireman Tomsk doesn't like to throw anything away so they were all there for me. I hesitate to think what we'd do if we had a fire.


The ever-popular philosopher, Richard Littlejohn had as usual his finger on it. His underpaid thesis can be found here. The firemen, however, were on duty and we at The Station as we like to call our humble abode would like to put on record that we have never attended any dogging events whilst on duty.

STATS

No of call outs 11

No of fires 0

No of texts from Can Lad Eddie's mum 232

No of dogging events attended 0

No of post call-out pints 23 (proper pints not your Italian 0.3l cups)

Eats, Shoots and Loaves

Mr Hussein wouldn't accept my Euros so I had to break into Can Lad Eddie's locker to pay for the cheese crisps and ham batch. Mrs FT wouldn't fund me as she is still upset at not getting a Prada present. I told her Ryanair charge £10 for an extra bag but she wasn't buying it. Of course neither was I!

Random philosophy

Always use the phrase, 'When in Rome' when in Rome. I'll promise you the waiters will never have heard anyone use this witty remark. One said to Fireman Inzhagi (our translator) that as long as he was alive we would never pay for another meal in his trattoria. We heard loud screams from the kitchen shortly after and an ambulance was called but I'm sure there is no connection.

So have a great fire free day and remember, pasta can be fatal if you leave the pan water to boil whilst you search for the basil. Preparation is the key to happiness. Top tip: why not get the herbs before you put the gas on?

Any further information on fire safety can be obtained by emailing your query to:

ftaff@burnyourbridges.co.it

All contributions to the Free Can Lad Eddie Fund can be sent via any untraceable method to the following account:

firemantaffpensionfund, Bank of Portmeiron, 6

Money To Burn

Can Lad Eddie is in charge of our tontine. This was mostly down to the fact that we were all drunk on Brains SA when the decision was made. Although we have tremendous faith in the lad, all talk has been over the recent problems with Northern Rock. We had to laugh at the thought of muggers tuning into Sky News and noticing which customers had drawn out the most cash.

Can Lad Eddie says he thinks he invested our funds in the Portmeiron Mutual Assurance Company. He remembers something about being chased by a big ball but cannot remember his account number. Anyway, the annual trip to Faliraki is looking a bit dodgy if we cannot get access to our profits. This is all sounding like the great 1989 crisis when ex-Fireman Leeson ran off with all the money after putting half of the cash on Champagne Charlene in the 2.35 at Kempton.

The car wash was a great success, only marred by the failure of Western Mail's Tolstoy, Lowri Turner, to turn up. Fireman Rasmusen was certain she had agreed to clean vehicles whilst reciting the complete works of Chaucer, but he may have been dreaming. Anyway, we look forward to her incisive comments on the banking crisis. She'll know what to do.

Fireman Norton is not a big fan. He was hoping to stand for the Welsh Assembly, but apparently Ms Turner put the mockers on this by suggesting that gays should not be running the country. She has of course got millions of gay friends so she is allowed to say this.

Still no word about the calendar photo shoot but I know Fireman Dahl has been sneaking to the gym instead of joining his hard working colleagues at the Boyce for post call-out pints.

STATS

No. of calls 13

No. of fires 0

No. of calls for Fire Surround firm 4

No. of Can Lad Eddie's shaving cuts 5

No. of hobnobs 6

No. of post call-out pints 13

You is what you eat

Mrs Fireman Taff tried to get last week's change back but I managed to win the argument by climbing out of the window while she was looking for the hammer. I also found some pools money by the clock so I was able to splash out on a Mr. Hussein special of chargrilled chicken on ciabatta with an arousing mayonnaise accompaniment. Crisps were a Doritos substitute which were demolished with a Fred Dibnah relish and galaxy bar. No drink today as I relied upon the liquid replenishment of the Wetherspoons new establishment, The Charlotte Church.

Today's random Philosophy Bit

It's nice to be first in the queue, but in scrabble it is better to have a triple word score with the Q.

A policeman entertains Northern Rock customers waiting to meet Lowri Turner with a rousing rendition of Abba's Money Money Money.

Remember, if you have money to burn, check that Mrs Gregson hasn't put her smalls on the line, or she'll have you! Have a good, smoke free day.

If you need more information about fire surrounds contact mandy@firestationsurroundsrus.co.uk and they will send you a brochure. Thanks to all people who entered our competition. The correct answer was of course, They were all members of the Albanian Revolutionary Cadre that attempted to seize power in 1934.

Finally, Mrs Crozier of Llangollen has emailed to ask what has happened to the crayons? Well, Mrs C, there'll be more waxing lyrical soon.

Snooker and Soapy Water

The guys at the station are usually busy with their outside interests whilst we are waiting to get the call out. Can Lad Eddie is a great fan of Paris Hilton and used most of his minimum wage to write to her. Since the injunction he has reconciled himself with just looking at pictures of her in magazines.

We also have a snooker table but there are plans afoot to take it away. Even the BBC came down the station to gauge opinion. Fireman Jennings (our union rep) said, 'It's a diabolical liberty and my members will be taking this further. It's a bad break for us.' It does seem a bit rich given that we had to wait 18 months before they gave us a fire engine. We could never rely upon public transport to get us to the blaze and many times we lost a lot of water running for the now defunct 82a.

Fireman Muller has the largest break on the table although he is used to the slope as he comes from a town near the Alps. He holds the record of 33. He claims he would have gone on to a half century if there hadn't been a speck of jam on the pink.

Can Lad Eddie is no good at all, and there is a groan whenever anyone gets him as a doubles partner. It's not just his myopia and refusal to wear glasses, it's his inability to remember the rules of the game. If it wasn't for the fact that he makes good tea and that his uncle is the commissioner, I doublt if he'd have had such a glittering career.

Tomorrow is National Car Wash Day so if your Datsun is dusty, your Merc is muddy or your Trabant is something beginning with T, please come down the station and I'll get my hose out for you.

Lunchtime Funtime

Having been furnished with a whole £5 note as Mrs FT did not have any slummy, I availed myself of the culinary fare of Mr Hussein. I opted for a generous portion of turkey roast with cranberry sauce on a bin lid. For washing down purposes, I drifted towards a Mineral water with lemon twist. As I had some money left I was able to put a £1 double on Allegretto and Captain Gerrard at Doncaster.

STATS

No. of calls 13

No. of fires 0

No. of broken cues 5

No. of hobnobs 4

No. of post call-out pints 11

Random Philosophical Thingy

Discovering that Rose Royce never worked at the car wash, this set me thinking about what other lies we are being told. I'm beginning to think that David Bowie was being economical with the truth when he claimed to be Major Tom. At least we still have The Western Mail as a bastion of truth and rationality.

Anyway, I'm off to check on the hoses for the car wash extravaganza. Please make sure you don't have any fires tomorrow as we will be busy. You local Chemist may be able to help with minor incidents whilst info can be found on http://www.imtrappedinaburningbuilding.gov.org/

So, have a good day and don't burn all your bridges.

Can Lad Eddie puts his cue away

Smoke Without Fire

There's no smoke without fire we hear all the time. Scientifically, this is not correct as any Science teacher will tell you. Also, be careful to avoid placing smoke alarms near steamy areas like the bathroom. This reminds us of the Madeleine McCann case. All talk at the station has been about this unfolding drama. Mrs FT, a devotee of all things murder, from Taggart's murrrrrders through Midsomer (oops there goes the property prices) Murders to CSI (which Who record can we use for CSI Tredegar). She said, 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark', which is all very well but the child went missing in Portugal. Anyway, she says she is willing to wager her monthly bingo winnings that there was no abduction and the child was killed accidentally. We shall see.

Fireman Rodriguez has his own intriguing theory as he has a part share in his brother's hat shop in Lisbon. This is where Fireman Muller (see pic) gets his evening wear.

He reckons the little girl is in the local church and that the Catholics are covering up. We were all taken aback by his comments, especially as he usually only speaks when we are putting our racing bets on. He says that a Church that covered up Nazi complicity and paedophile priests would not have a problem with an accidental death.

My concern is that leaving 3 youngsters alone could have resulted in a fire related incident.

As I said before, no smoke without fire. I'm not so sure but I do not like the parents. I have never left my children alone while I went on the lash on holiday. No, Mrs FT would always stay with them whilst I entertained the locals with my rendition of What's New Pussycat. Tonight Matthew Fireman Taff is going to be Fireman Tom!

Fireman Muller was looking a bit smug after the footie result. We had a vote and decided to be mature about it. We removed his masking tape.

Dinner For One

I found some crisps in me old rucksack so I was off to a sell-by-date flier of Smokey Bacon proportions. Mrs FT's monetary donation was spent on a Ginsters Pasty and a lottery scratchcard from Mr. Hussein's. Fireman Yorath brought in some strawberries from his allotment so we all clubbed together for some cream. Can Lad Eddie said, 'It's just like being at Wimbledon', so Fireman Logan kicked him on the knee. 'That's from Vinnie Jones!' he chuckled. Well, you have to make your own fun when you're as busy as we are.

We would have had a minute's silence for the firemen lost in the Twin Towers attack, but Can lad Eddie put the wrong date on the calendar. Accordingly, we will stand shoulder to shoulder on 9/11 in November.

STATS

No. of call-outs 12

No. of fires 0

No. of strawberries 9

No. of bruises on Can Lad Eddie 5

No. of post call-out pints 11

Today's Random Philosophical Whathaveyou

Music may be the food of love, but the love of food is gluttony.

So, remember Fact: Cooking is the leading cause of fires and injuries in single and multifamily homes. With smoke and fire alarm systems from Monitronics, help can be on the way in no time!

Source: Monotronics Smoke Alarms.

If you have a row with the missus, make sure it's not a blazing one!

Wales v Deutschland

All talk at the station has been of the big match at the Millenium stadium on Saturday night. Fireman Flynn reckons the lads might get a draw, but most of us will be happy to avoid defeat. In deference to Fireman Muller, we have used a picture of a typical German fan. As you know, we do not like to pander to common stereotypes here.

Some of Bellamy's passes also manage to miss defeat.

We have placed Fireman Muller in an exclusion zone until Sunday's shift. He claims this is contrary to the European Human Rights Convention. I showed him an article in an old Readers Digest about internment on the Isle of Man and he seemed content.

Update:

There was a bit of a shock in the rugby. At least the boys turned it around. The football result was not unexpected. Fortunately, FT and some of the lads were able to watch the game at the Max Boyce Arms. We left Fireman Muller in charge of the station. We had a whipround to buy an FM radio from the local Barnados. Not sure if there were any batteries. Anyway we're hoping he'll be on a different shift next week. At least I'm off for a couple of days.

Mrs FT took yours truly to the shops today to get him kitted out for a relative's funeral next week. I am looking forward to it immensely. Been practising my dance moves for the after service do. Got some good shapes going on.

STATS (Friday)

N0. of call-outs 11

No. of fires 0

No. of bratwurst 5

No. of trumps by Can Lad Eddie 17

No. of hobnobs 4

No. of post call-out pints 8

Friday's Eating details

A culinary delight of ripe banana, egg foo yung from Johnny Fu's, Mars, home made water courtesy of the Britta's empire.

Today's random philosophical dribble:

If you cross Pavarotti with a mythical monster and a window, do you get a Loch Nessun Dorma?

Top tip: when your house is on fire do not wear BOSE Series X Noise Cancellation headphones as the scientifically tested acoustic enhancer will prevent you hearing the smoke alarm.

Anyway, have a great all singing, non-singeing day!

If you wish to contact Fireman Muller or myself, we can be emailed on ftaff@crazyworldofarthurbrown.gov.uk